oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
