can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
