Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
