at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
