Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
