I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
