Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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