one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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