My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
