there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
