We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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