I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
