Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
