proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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