38 yer olds are good kisserssss
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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