hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
