I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
