What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
