Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
