Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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