but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
