Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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