there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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