matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
