I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
