my mouth tastes like poor choices
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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