Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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