my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
