remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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