just got booed by the entire restaurant.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
