were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
