He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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