Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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