the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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