My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
my poor anus
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
