im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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