respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
