It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
