I am puke
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
