Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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