Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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