chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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