whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
