I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize