Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
