I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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