I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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