he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
