masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
