it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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