I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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