I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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