So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
