My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
