is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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