I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
