He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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